Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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