I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Found the puke drawer
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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