I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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