theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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