He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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