low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
