There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
