I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
