goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
