The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
