he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize