so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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