so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
