Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
