Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
