I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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