Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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