i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
