the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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