you traded sex for a burrito?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
