I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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