So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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