The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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