A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm going to jail i love you
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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