Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
