so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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