i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize