Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
two words: eviction party
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
