Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
