i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think I am morally bankrupt
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
