The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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