two words: eviction party
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
