I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize