My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
