So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
