Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
