Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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