How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
