At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
