that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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