a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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