I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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