what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
