I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
