Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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