So drunk its hurt
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
