dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
