The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
