I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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