that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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