somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize