There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
