Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The best revenge is premature balding
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
