I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
