so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
