i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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