just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
