mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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