i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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