i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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