i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize