a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
