I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
